


Electric Soul

by tmntfanauthor



Category: Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles (TV 2012)
Genre: Action, Internal Conflict, Mystery, Other, Unethical Experimentation
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-02-17
Updated: 2015-04-01
Packaged: 2018-03-13 09:13:26
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 5
Words: 3,290
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3376022
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/tmntfanauthor/pseuds/tmntfanauthor
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Since Raphael was small he has had horrifying anxiety attacks and their origin has been unknown, but Master Splinter taught him a meditation to prevent them from happening again. But, when one day Raphael finds an old album full of pictures of the turtles when they were small and he doesn't see himself among them, his alarms go off and he is victim of another of his horrific attacks. Then he gets a nightmare that gives him a clue of his mysterious childhood that only overwhelms him even more. Consequentially, he runs away in order to catch up with himself but, in his weak state, The Shredder and an inhumane experimenting science facility take advantage of it.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Cameras Don't Lie

**Chapter 1: Cameras Don’t Lie**

 

 

           

 **Raphael:** It was 3:04 in the morning on a Saturday, when I woke up. I didn’t even know how I woke up, when I heard Mikey snoring across the hall from my room and realized he was snoring like a crappy dead tuba that wouldn’t shut the fuck up. Since I had no other stuff to do and my show wasn’t on yet, I went to the dojo to train a bit before everyone else woke up.

 

After an hour of training something caught my eye. Under some of Master Splinter’s training robes was an old beige photo album, like those in the stupid lovey dovey gift shops with the exaggerated cheesy quotes on them but, this one made me feel warm inside. It read; “Family is the most precious gem”, on it. I knew that was true, my brothers could really be a pain in the ass sometimes, but they were my most prized possession. Of course, my curiosity consumed me and I flipped the cover. When, saw what it contained, I couldn’t help but, chuckle.

 

There was Master Splinter with us as little annoying kids, with memories splayed on the pictures. I actually sat there for a while laughing at the sweet stupid memories of our childhood. I wasn’t checking the time but, I was there flipping the pages of the precious memoir for at least a little over two hours.

 

I began looking through the pages for myself, I wanted to see the drastic change between a little kid to a strong, brawny, and handsome young turtle (hint: me). I flipped through the pages looking for me, but found nothing. I started whipping through the pages looking for myself furiously. I had to stop and calm my breathing so I didn’t kill the book alone with my temper.

My face darkened when I realized I wasn’t there.

 

 

 **Michelangelo:** I woke up around 6:13 AM when, I heard Raph laughing in the dojo. He wasn’t laughing that loud but, when you hear Raph laugh you know something’s up because, it’s barely possible to make “Mr. Hardcore” laugh.

 

When I got to the dojo, I was too late to find out what made him laugh. My big brother’s bright state was exchanged to a dark shadow cast over his face. His eyes were glazed with worry and desperation. Nobody ever thinks I noticed when Raph had his anxiety attacks when he was smaller because, I’m “too small” but, I know when Raph is having an anxiety attack with his inner self. It’s been hard since we were little. That’s when I noticed he was staring intensely at an old book in the corner of the dojo.

 

Leo is always the one to help Raph snap out of his depressing anxiety attacks but, he was asleep so, it meant I (yes, me little Mike), was in charge of this situation. I took a deep breath and entered the dojo.

 

 **Raphael:** “What’s that you got there bro?” asked my baby brother Mikey when he entered the dojo.

“You woke me up you dying siren.”, I responded with a playful smirk. He shrugged as if to say he was sorry. Then, out of nowhere he tackled me playfully. For five full minutes we were play fighting, wrestling all over the dojo. Then he caught me off guard.

 

“Dude, you didn’t answer my question. Whatcha chekin’ out?”, he asked me anxiously. I felt a sting in my eyes and a lump in my throat and that’s when I tucked the book up my shell and ran to my room. “Raph?!” he shouted running behind me.

 

Of course he was at my heels. For such a young immature turtle he was the fastest of us four. I slammed my door and pushed the bookcase I never used in front of the door so he couldn’t make it in.

 

“Raph, bro, chill and let me in, I promise I don’t have any water balloons!”, Mikey “reassured” me. I was struggling with my breathing. I was having an anxiety attack as I had before when I was young. I couldn’t let him see me like this, he had always been too young. Master Splinter and Leo were the only two who could help me through these horrific nightmare episodes of anxiety. I managed to hide the album behind my headboard.

 

“Mikey...I’m fine *wheeze*!”, I barely managed to draw the words out of my mouth. I took short sharp breaths, everything was going blurry. The last time I had an episode was when I was 9, after that time Splinter taught me to meditate for inner peace, it had worked until now. The fact that I wasn’t in those pictures caused my heart to accelerate to dangerous mode, yet I still didn’t even understand why. I heard Mikey running to the other side of the hall pounding on the door.

 

“LEO HELP! Raph’s having an attack!”, he cried. Leo slammed the door of his room sounding horribly worried.

“Where?!”, he asked, that’s when everything went black.

 


	2. Earth to Raphael

**Leonardo:** “What the…?” I exclaimed when I saw Raph on the ground motionless, soundless, and breathless. His ever energetic electric green eyes had powered off. “Go get Donnie! Tell him what happened.” I told Mikey. He simply nodded and scurried off. I tried doing the procedure Sensei had taught me but, the clock was ticking for my brother and his breath wasn’t coming back. I felt ashamed that I couldn’t help my younger brother when he most depended on me. It pained to leave him there but, I needed to get Sensei, NOW.

 

 **Donatello:** I woke up to the abrupting noise of somebody slamming my door open. I snapped my eyes open and immediately got into ninja mode but, I heard Mikey crying. “What’s up Mike? Another nightmare?”, I asked but he cut me short.

 

”No, it’s Raph! The anxiety is back!” he cried. When I heard what he said, flashbacks poured into my brain of those horrid attacks Raphael got in the past. I instinctively ran to see Raph. I found him on the ground and he wasn’t breathing but his pulse was going 1,000 miles per hour. If he didn’t get help soon he was going to blow.

 

 **Leonardo:  “** Sensei, Raph needs your help!” I said uncomfortably bursting into his room during his morning meditation.

 

“Leonardo, what seems to be the problem my son?” Sensei asked calmly.

 

“It’s Raphael, his anxiety is back! He isn’t moving or breathing!” I yelled with embarrassment of failing what he had taught me. “The attack was so bad I couldn’t fix it as you taught me master.” before I finished talking he scurried out of the room and I quickly followed.

 

Sensei took out a glowing red liquid from under his robe pouch, and made Raph drink it. Ten seconds, twenty seconds, and nothing. I was about to have an anxiety attack because, of Raph’s attack but, then the sweet noise of Raphael coughing made me snap my eyes open.

 

Then, I saw Raphael’s electric green eyes open weakly but, surely. I couldn’t maintain my composure so I practically lunged myself at him, embracing him in a warm hug. Mikey was laughing and crying at the same time when he threw himself on top of me. Donnie obviously joined.   


**Master Splinter:** When Leonardo had told me about Raphael having an anxiety attack, my mind began to fill up with questions at why had his attacks returned?

 

When he was younger, he used to have anxiety attacks too much for it to be classified as “normal”, so I taught him to meditate so that we could prevent it from occurring again.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello guys! Thank you for reading so far, and just to clarify, many things may seem confusing, but I promise you everything will get cleared up at the end. Thanks, and keep reading!


	3. Memory Blackhole

**Raphael:** I was actually surprised I was alive, I felt dead from the moment I got the attack. When, I began to wake up I found that everyone was embracing me in a warm hug. My eyesight was still blurry and the sounds around me where echoing in my head. I felt dizzy and extremely exhausted, just like before.

“Let’s go boys, let your brother rest.” I heard Sensei tell the other three. Leonardo took my mask off. I tried talking to him but, my voice wasn’t working.

“Shh, just rest Raph.”, he reassured me. Once he closed the door behind him my mind was bombarded with questions. Why did the anxiety come back? That’s when I remembered that Mikey saw me like this, again. Shit, shit, shit.  I fell asleep with dried tears, there were so many questions, doubts, and regret on my mind, I didn’t even know how to process it all.

\---

I opened my eyes and found myself in the living room, which was furnished like nine years ago…? I was confused at why the living room looked like it did nine years ago then, I found my favorite comic book as a kid in my hands. Surprised, I threw it at the TV only to hear a six year old Leo growl at me when the channel accidentally changed.

“Gee, thanks Raph! Now I can’t see what happened to Batman!” he yelled at me. What the hell...why was he six? Then I felt something or rather someone tumble on my back.

“WEEEE!’’ a six year old Mikey tackled me down. Instinctively I threw him off me. “Ow, why’d you do that?!”, he shouted at me. I was so weirded out, why were they both six?!

“Don’t mind him Mikey; he’s not feeling like himself today.” Leo glared at me. Instead of fighting back like I usually do, I ran to the bathroom to see if I was nine years younger too. But, when looked at the mirror, there was no reflection of me. I got freaked out so I hit the mirror to see if it was just one of Donnie’s pranks. I guess I hit it too hard because, the mirror smashed into a billion pieces and cut some of my skin. I was bleeding just a little but, it still stung. Then I noticed a large piece of mirror and I held it to see if I could at least see myself there.

Terrified I chucked the piece of mirror at the wall but, it bounced right back, cutting me deeply in the arm. I saw myself in that mirror, I was younger, leaner, shorter, but I had brown eyes just like Donnie’s.

\---

I woke up screaming and sweating. It was just a nightmare. I smacked my face, why was I so fucking scared at me having brown eyes. I felt like a stupid little girl that was scared of everything. For some reason, that dream cut another deep wound in me, just like me not being in those pictures did.

Two seconds later, I heard all three of my brothers charging at my door at full speed. My door slammed open and the three of them looked at me with eyes widened in worry.

“Are you alright?!” asked Leo panting checking me over to see if I had hurt myself.

“Yeah, I’m fine.” I reassured him. “..Just a nightmare.” they walked out slowly saying bye. I fell asleep until 2:34 AM. I wasn’t tired anymore so I meditated a little, then I took out the old album and checked it out a second time.

Why wasn’t I there? Did Master Splinter hate me? Was I not considered family then? Was I being stupid and hated pictures? That’s when I realized, that there were no mirrors allowed around me by the orders of Sensei. It wasn’t until I was 12 that I was allowed to see myself. Why would Splinter order such a horrible rule? Did he really hate me?

I’ve always hated my green eyes. Mikey and Leonardo have blue eyes and Donnie and Splinter both had red brown eyes. I got so frustrated with my own thoughts and Sensei’s secrecy about my childhood that I chucked the album at my bed headboard. I instantly regretted it and went to pick it up. Then, a small photo slid out of a hidden pocket. It was a picture of me as a kid but, my eyes were scribbled over with a black sharpie. WHAT THE FUCK?

So the one picture that I find as proof that I was a kid too, has my eyes scribbled. It reminded me of the horrible nightmare I had recently. I tried to get off my bed then; I realized that my anxiety attack had weakened me up. My legs were trembling and I could stand up. I felt like jelly. When I moved my leg towards my closet, I literally had to shove my fist in my mouth just so I wouldn’t scream bloody murder. It hurt so much, the sharp pain stroke up my leg to my spine like I was being electrocuted.

I dropped to all fours and I crawled to get my gear, pair of sais, and my red mask. I painfully put it all on. I gathered all the energy I had to sneak out of my underground home. After what has happened, I began to have doubts of the family I cared, trusted, did best to protect, and loved. I couldn’t believe Splinter would hide this from me. As I ran over the rooftops of New York I felt my eyes sting as tears flew behind me, for my speed was increasing. I ran and ran through the night trying to run from the painful memories and the secrets of my childhood.


	4. The Shredder's Prey

**Master Splinter:** I had been meditating in the morning when I had heard Leonardo and Donatello wake up. I got out of my room a few minutes later only to find a note from Leonardo saying that Raphael probably went out for a stroll and since they were worried they went to search for him.   

I began to worry for them because, it was daylight outside exposing them easier but, I knew it was absolutely necessary for Raphael to be found immediately.  I went to Raphael’ s room, my eyes scanned all four walls when the thing I feared most that he would find was splayed open on his bed. 

The picture of him that had his eyes scribbled over was exposed to him. That’s when I realized that the attack he had the day before must have been linked to him finding this very album. I got overflowed with guilt.

I took the album and photo to my room and hid it behind some boxes. I took out an old shoe box with pictures of Raphael, with his eyes either scribbled or cut out. I sighed and began to pray that he was found soon, for I knew I owed him a big explanation.

 **Omniscient Narrator:** “Master Shredder, a group of your men seek your audience.” said one of Shredder’s body guards. Shredder groaned and nodded in approval, he had recently lost a deal with some European mafia for advanced weaponry sales between them and he really wasn’t in the mood for shit.

Fifteen of Shredder’s men walked in and got on their knees, performing homage to Shredder.

“What have you come to tell me? This better not be a waste of my time or I’ll have your heads.” threatened Shredder.

“Master, we come to report sightings for one of Yoshi’s protégés out alone for over 7 hours.”, said the leader of the group of his men.

“Do you know what his motives for being out alone are?”, demanded Shredder.

“We don’t Master, but he did seem rather distracted, confused, and upset.”, the leader mentioned. Shredder grinned under his mask.

“Good, it will be easier then to bring me the mutant ALIVE and conscious.”, hastily ordered Shredder the man and his group.

“Yes as you wish Master, but may you supply us with the proper equipment for us to bring him to you?”, asked the man in reply.

“Take whatever toys you want but, bring me that TURTLE!”, Shredder’s voice echoed throughout his lair.

“Yes master,.”, said the men bowing their heads and retreating. Shredder cackled to himself. _Finally I can unstain my honor with the death of all Yoshi has ever loved and including himself._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Will the Shredder's plan work, or will it take a turn for the worst?


	5. Chapter 5: Hothead gone AWOL

**Chapter 5: Hothead gone AWOL**

 

 **Donatello: I** guess I was the first one to wake up that morning since, nothing was on fire from Mikey again, I also didn’t hear Leo training in the dojo, or Raph cursing at the failing TV signal. It was a Saturday which meant I had plenty of free time in my lab, but remembering what had happened with Raph yesterday, I decided that for breakfast I would make his favorite ramen and serve it to him in bed.

 

Once, I got there though he wasn’t there. My eyes quickly darted around the room and I noticed that he had struggled out of bed, from the sheets being twisted and turned, and his gear wasn’t there. _Oh no_.

 

“Leo! Raph’s not in his room or the bathroom.” I said knocking on his room. He opened the door.

 

“C’mon, let’s see if he’s anywhere in the house.” he suggested. I nodded.

 

“Raph! Raph! You here?” I called all throughout the house but, there was nothing. Me and Leo met up in the kitchen.

 

“What if he went outside?” Leo asked, eyes filled with worry.

 

“His gear wasn’t in his room…” my eyes widened in realization.

 

“Well, we’ve got to find him!’’ shouted Leo, losing his composure for a second.

 

“Should we take Mikey with us?” I asked Leo. He shook his head and so did I both of us silently agreeing that out of the four of us, Mikey was the second most traumatized from yesterday, we didn’t want to scar him even more.

 

Leo left Master Splinter a note and we both made our way out of our home. It was going to be challenging to not be seen by anyone in the day but, our damaged brother was out there somewhere…

 

 **Raphael:**  I was resting on a TV satellite on the roof of an apartment building. I was thinking about the album, my anxiety attack, my nightmare, and my family. I wondered if anybody I was gone yet, hell considering that they all stayed up watching Space heroes all night, I wouldn’t be surprised if they hadn’t woken up yet.

 

I was actually kind of nervous being outside so early, we’ve always tried to keep our existence a secret for the best. The motivation that kept me from going home was all that had happened yesterday and my confused feelings towards my family, especially towards Master Splinter.

 

 Bored, I looked at my reflection in an old mirror that was cracked and rusted from the edges that I had found abandoned on the roof. From the looks of it, it probably had been up ther for years. I looked at my green eyes with the old mirror. They seemed…seemed…so unnatural and weird. I hated them. I’ve always playfully teased my brothers that I was the best looking of all of them, but I knew it wasn’t true. I was shorter than Leo and Donnie, and I was one of the darkest out of all of them. Other than the whole mutated turtle thing, I felt and looked like some sort of hideous misfit. Why couldn’t I have been born with blue eyes like Leo and Mikey or some normal looking brown eyes like Donnie?

 

My thoughts were disturbed when, I heard the noise of some garbage cans toppling over on the neighbor’s building roof. I looked over my shoulder and saw Donnie and Leo. I jumped off the roof and began to ride and hide from my own brothers…


End file.
